Conscious Coupling & Uncoupling | Should We Stay or Should We Go?

Conscious Uncoupling Starts With Unconscious Coupling

Couples Relationship Counseling in Seattle!

If possible you haven’t heard, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin (a movie star & rock star, respectively) announced their divorce this week after a respectable ten-years of marriage.

In fact numerous celebrity duos have recently announced their split as a “conscious uncoupling” — a term they hope sums up just how they’re attempting to go about the whole marriage dissolution thing. Their divorce interactions, they’d like us to believe, involve a thoughtful and mutually compassionate split not overrun by anger and high production drama or defensive emotion. Clearly, “uncoupling” with respect and kindness an admirable goal. But how do and countless couples end up as midlife divorce statistics in the first place?

The seeds of conscious uncoupling are said to be sown somewhere in the less than “mindful” act of unconscious coupling.

Author Abby Rodman explains” “What this means is that many of us choose mates who aren’t right for us by ignoring our unconscious motivations for doing so. Nevertheless, our unconscious — our brain’s holding place for repressed emotions and memories — helps fuel our decisions.”

In other words: “we’re not doing enough psychological due diligence when making such a momentous choice. We simply don’t know ourselves as well as we consciously think. And with the divorce rate hovering at 50 percent, it’s pretty clear we need to dig deeper.”

How do half of us choose marriages that aren’t built to go the distance?

Given our extended lifespans, contemporary marriages must be able to withstand the storms of many decades. And true, some do. However, many more don’t. If 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, it doesn’t mean the other half are happy and satisfying. It only means that some percentage of that other 50 percent is happy. Non-newsflash: many folks stay in unhappy marriages. Suppose you guesstimate that there’s a 25 percent chance of having a happy marriage. Those odds are clearly pretty slim. Emaciated, really! And it all begins with unconscious coupling.”

Abby maintains, “The midlife divorce statistics are trying to show us something important. And, in good conscience, we best not look away. Instead, we might consider that the antidote to conscious uncoupling is conscious coupling.”



And knowing oneself — consciously — is, undeniably, a wise place to start.

Dr. Patrick J. Hart

Relationship Counseling for Individuals

Couples Emotional Attunement | Explore MindSight Skills

Psychotherapy With the Brain in Mind | Relational Neurobiology

The Construct “MindSight” and Relational Neurobiology

What is Mindsight?

“Mindsight” is a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe our human capacity to perceive the mind of the self and others. It is a powerful lens through which we can understand our inner lives with more clarity, integrate the brain, and enhance our relationships with others.

Mindsight is a kind of focused attention that allows us to see the internal workings of our own minds. It helps us get ourselves off of the autopilot of ingrained behaviors and habitual responses. It lets us “name and tame” the emotions we are experiencing, rather than being overwhelmed by them.

Mindsight Skills allow one to distinguish “I am sad” vs. “I feel sad”

As similar as those two statements may seem, they are profoundly different. “I am sad” is a kind of limited self-definition. “I feel sad” suggests the ability to recognize and acknowledge a feeling, without being consumed or “cognitively fused” to it. The focusing skills that are part of mindsight make it possible to see what is inside, to accept it, and in the accepting to let it go, and finally, to transform it.

Mindsight:
A Skill that Can Change Your Brain Mindsight is a learnable skill.

It is the basic skill that underlies what we mean when we speak of having emotional and social intelligence. When we develop the skill of mindsight, we actually change the physical structure of the brain. This revelation is based on one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the last twenty years. How we focus our attention [intimate relating / interpersonal atunement] shapes the structure of the brain. Neuroscience has also definitively shown that we can grow these new connections throughout our lives, not just in childhood.

What’s Interpersonal Neurobiology?

Interpersonal neurobiology, a term coined by Dr. Siegel in The Developing Mind, 1999, is an interdisciplinary field which seeks to understand the mind and mental health. This field is based on science but is not constrained by science. What this means is that we attempt to construct a picture of the “whole elephant” of human reality. We build on the research of different disciplines to reveal the details of individual components, while also assembling these pieces to create a coherent view of the whole.

The Mindsight Approach Exists Within the Field of Interpersonal Neurobiology

Under the umbrella of interpersonal neurobiology, Dr. Siegel’s mindsight approach applies the emerging principles of interpersonal neurobiology to promote compassion, kindness, resilience, and well-being in our personal lives, our relationships, and our communities.

At the heart of both interpersonal neurobiology and the mindsight approach is the concept of “integration” which entails the linkage of different aspects of a system—whether they exist within a single person or a collection of individuals. Integration is seen as the essential mechanism of health as it promotes a flexible and adaptive way of being that is filled with vitality and creativity.

The ultimate outcome of integration is harmony.

The absence of integration leads to chaos and rigidity—a finding that enables us to re-envision our understanding of mental disorders and how we can work together in the fields of mental health, education, and other disciplines, to create a healthier, more integrated world.

The Mindsight Institute

Through the Mindsight Institute, Dr. Siegel offers a scientifically-based way of understanding human development. The Mindsight Institute serves as the organization from which interpersonal neurobiology first developed and it continues to be a key source for learning in this area. The Mindsight Institute links science, clinical practice, education, the arts, and contemplation, serving as an educational hub from which these various domains of knowing and practice can enrich their individual efforts.

Psychotherapy With The Brain in Mind! | Dr. Hart | Seattle Mental Health

Increased basal ganglia activity is often a finding we have seen with anxiety disorders. When there is increased activity on the left side it is often associated with anxiety and irritability (expressed anxiety) and when there is increased activity on the right side there is often anxiety, social withdrawal and conflict avoidance.



Increased activity in the temporal lobe area has also been associated with anxiety. When there is also increased cingulate activity a person may have significant trouble with “cognitive fusion” and repetitive thoughts or rumination about anxiety.

Are You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

It’s natural for any couple to have rough patches, but when these rough patches extend into long-term problems it may be time to evaluate the relationship and determine whether or not is is salvageable. Sometimes, we must consider the possibility that not only is it personal shortcomings getting in the way of the quality of the relationship or causing the couple to fall out of love, but that the relationship might actually be unhealthy. A common example is something Robert Firestone coined as a “fantasy bond.” This is a relationship where the couple is not actually in love, but goes through the motions of a relationship to simulate connection.

Miscommunication: When What You Say is Not What You Mean

An important aspect of marriage is the lines of communication that a couple shares with each other. Another important aspect of marriage is downtime. Downtime can mean different things for different people, whether watching football, researching a trip, or maybe just checking Facebook. Even innocent questions asked during downtime, however, can sometimes have disastrous effects when the interruption of the downtime causes a miscommunication. This miscommunication usually involves distracted, terse, sometimes angry responses to simple questions that pull one partner or the other out of what they were doing. This leads to unexpected and unnecessary fights that, fortunately, can be avoided.

How to Handle Loss as a Couple

It can be more important than ever for a couple to come together when faced with a loss. Each person needs someone to be there for them and help them to overcome a situation as trying as a loss, so it is important for someone in a relationship requiring this kind of attention to be sensitive and aware of how to provide it, especially when seeking the same. The challenges of this include struggling to accept your own feelings and deal with all the grief and challenges of your own personal baggage while also helping someone else sort out theirs. Difficult as it may be, these are crucial bonding times.

What is All This Talk About Communication Skills?

“Communication” means different things depending on the context in which the word is used. For example, good communication in advertising or politics is words that will sell those who hear them on either a product, person, or an idea. In relationships, however, communication is not about broadcasting a message, but rather it is an interactive dialogue meant to convey feelings, thoughts, and concerns in a positive way. While most everyone understands how to talk and “communicate” on some level, it may still be important or even necessary to seek counseling on how to effectively communicate within a relationship.

Creating Romantic Abundance in Your Life

Amy Leigh Mercee claims that if you have the internet access and the time to read this article then you have some level of abundance in your life when compared to other people around the world. Most of us have many things in abundance, yet still feel empty and in need of something to fill that emptiness. Mercee suggests that emptiness can be filled by creating a romantic abundance, which can be created whether you’re in a relationship or single. The romantic abundance is an abundance of love in our lives that detours around our desire for external validation.

7 Unconventional Ways to Build Your Confidence

This article raises the question of what things we could be doing in our lives if we had an unshakable confidence in ourselves and our ability to perform these tasks. If the answer is that there are a lot of things we could do if we only had that confidence, the next question becomes how we achieve that level of confidence. Positive self-imaging is how, according to this article. Positive self-imaging is something a person can build for themselves, and the article tackles seven of the less common methods. The first is to take uncomfortable chances. This involves putting yourself in a situation that will force you to overcome new obstacles.

After the Honeymoon

This article has a pretty easy core idea to get across: marriage isn’t easy. Western culture today tends to romanticize marriage, and, indeed, romantic marriage is an idea that has grown more popular relatively recently, replacing in some places more traditional arranged marriages. While romantic marriages are the norm now, their romanticized nature often doesn’t prepare newlyweds for the realities of marriage. In fact, David Schnarch, the author of Passionate Marriage, writes that only marriage makes a person ready for marriage. While that may be true, Schnarch also writes that an accurate picture of what to expect can at least help newlyweds to better anticipate difficulties.

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point during her lifetime, though it is hard to find real data since most domestic abuses are not reported. Abusive behavior is not solely physical abuse, but can also be emotional abuse which is just as dangerous and damaging. Emotional and psychological abuse can be precursors to physical abuse. There are clear signs to look for when a partner is being emotionally or psychologically abusive. One sign is repeated cheating. While it has been proven that relationships can survive affairs, repeated affairs often show a deliberate or even calculated disregard for the other person’s feelings and emotional needs.

8 Beliefs that are Actually Terrible Advice on Marriage

There is a lot of marriage advice that may seem like “common sense” which is often given by people who mean well that doesn’t actually help the marriage in any significant way. Some can even be counterproductive to saving a marriage. Ongoing marriage difficulties in the face of trying to improve the relationship may have some bad advice at the root. For example, the advice that couples counseling with both partners is required to fix a marriage. At some point both partners need to be involved, but single spouse counseling can help to ease the other spouse into counseling and foster a sense of positivity in the marriage.

Watching Porn in Seattle | The Problem That Must Not Be Named

It’s ironic, but it is hard to have an adult conversation about sex. In some areas, sexually loaded topics are so taboo that you risk your reputation even to raise them. It is not as though we are unaware of this inconvenient truth, despite its political incorrectness in the mainstream culture. Recent research suggests that about 17 percent of individuals who view porn on the Internet meet criteria for sexual compulsivity. That translates to a lot of people, given that about 12 percent of all the Internet traffic is porn and nearly 90 percent of the young male population (about 30 percent of the young female population) view pornography at least occasionally. Unfortunately, this issue is so tricky politically that clinical researchers almost run the other way rather than address it.

Psychotherapy treatment researchers have recently found ways to break the self-amplifying pattern of urge suppression and urge indulgence in OCD, and in OCD spectrum disorders such as hair pulling or skin picking, by using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Several controlled studies have found positive effects for ACT by teaching people to walk in the exact opposite direction than that suggested by the problem-solving organ between our ears. Instead of struggling with futile attempts to control sexual urges, ACT teaches acceptance and mindful awareness of them. Instead of self-loathing and criticism, ACT therapy teaches self-compassion. Instead of avoidance, ACT instigates approaching and sustaining ones’ most authentic values in all important affairs!

What to Do When You are Thinking About Ending the Marriage

It is a tough place to find yourself, facing a situation where the only two options seem to be to stay in an unsatisfying relationship or to get out of it. The decisions a person makes in this situation will have long-term effects on their life. It can be important to consider the third option that may exist, which is improving the relationship. In order to fix a problem, it must first be identified. A concrete list of reasons why the relationship is unsatisfying can be vital at this stage. Once the reasons for dissatisfaction are clear, the next step is to communicate with the other person in a calm manner.

Weeding the Relationship Garden

Wendy Strgar learned about weeds before gardens. With her first garden, she inadvertently planted weeds that would overrun the garden she was trying to create until “gardening” and “weeding” became synonymous words for all practical purposes. Learning gardening, she learned that removing weeds was an important part of creating the garden that she wanted. As she learned, the metaphor for marriage presented itself. Weeds in a marriage must be tended to keep the experience of the marriage real, and marriage weeds that can seem to transform the landscape of the marriage in days can be the results of self-planted errors in judgment.

The Love Paradox

The love paradox is created from two claims. The first is that a great percentage of intimate relationships are based on love. The second claim is that a great percentage of intimate relationships involve romantic compromise. If we consider a romantic compromise something contradictory to love, we get a love paradox. Aaron Ben-Zeev attempts to explain the apparent paradox in this article, beginning with a look at love. He writes that love is something that exists in people’s expectation and wishes, but is often unfulfilled. This creates an increasing discrepancy between man’s desire for love and the probability of achieving it.

Chaotic Family Environments Increase Depression and Aggression in Children

Children who are raised in a loving and supportive environment are more likely to behave in a loving and supportive way as adults. In the same way, children raised in a negative or hostile environment are more likely to experience similar environments as adults. Syeda Shamama-tus-Sabah tested whether or not the same principles apply to acoustic and physical chaos in a recent study at the University of Pakistan. Shamama-tus-Sabah reviewed parent and teacher reports on over 150 children aged eight to eleven, all with educated mothers. The findings were that children growing up without structure and routine, or in chaotic environments, are more likely to have depressive symptoms.

How to Fix a Relationship

We understand that the perfect union between two individuals is not realistic. Two people, no matter how well suited they are for each other, will not become a single entity and there will inevitably be some amount of conflict or lack of harmony. Though these problems arise, if the relationship is one built on love and appreciation, then the relationship is most likely worth saving. This article lists a few tips to help fix problems in various situations. For example, important things to do after a fight are to back away rather than continue on a destructive path, calm down, think about your real feelings and calmly communicate them, and then finally to drop it.

How to Unhook From the Pain in Life

Sometimes, the painful inner voices that tear us down or distract us from life are almost irresistible. No matter how we try to affirm ourselves, we tend to get hooked on the negativity. To bounce back, we may try to avoid the pain, but the effort magnifies it instead. Psychotherapist, Bobi Emel proposes that it is better to "unhook" from painful thoughts and feelings rather than hide from them. Emel explains that when we notice and accept our thoughts for what they are, instead of judging ourselves for thinking them, we gain some perspective. As a result, we can be less absorbed with wrestling our thoughts and focus outward again.

7 Steps to Right-Sizing the Fear of What Others Think

The author of this article claims to suffer from a condition called “Fearwot.” This is a potentially crippling condition that can interfere with decisions as small as buying shoes to ones as major as promoting her own business in front of a crowd. Fearwot is, more clearly explained, a fear of what others think. It’s a condition that perhaps more people suffer from than just the author. This is one of many potentially crippling fears that the sufferer, though intellectually aware they shouldn’t be afraid, can’t help. They can, however, use fearwot and other fears to illuminate a thought process to success.

Writing a Forgiveness Letter Can Change Your Life

Time will make emotional wounds hurt less, but, unfortunately, they take a little longer than physical pain. It isn’t uncommon for a person to mentally revisit emotionally painful events, perhaps just wondering if it still hurts, and finding that it is still a close and familiar pain. The pain brings with it, along with hurt and possibly betrayal, an informed plan of how things ought to have gone and what could have been handled better. In this respect, an eventual forgiveness letter is as much forgiving the other person as yourself for what you could have done differently.

You Do not Have to Participate in the Drama People Create

This article centers around a saying: “Just because someone invites you to a drama doesn’t mean you have to attend.” This is not a common saying, but maybe it should be. At the very least, it is a sound piece of advice that most of us could benefit by remembering, especially those of us who have felt emotionally manipulated and drained before by participating in someone else’s drama that doesn’t involve us. Before stepping into the drama someone else is creating for themselves in the future, it would be good to remember that we don’t need to attend. However the invitation is delivered, we can stop and ask ourselves if it will do any good.

Healthy Intimate Relationships Begin with Positive Parenting

According to a study at the University of California, Davis, performed by April S. Masarik, the success and satisfaction of adult relationships can be determined before a person reaches adulthood. Children who grow up with warm and supportive relationships are more likely to have positive relationships as an adult. The study followed 265 children into early adulthood, assessing their relationships with their parents and family members. This information was then used to determine how their earlier relationships affected their intimate relationships in their adult life, Masarik believes that having a warm relationship with parents taught the children to be emotionally invested in their relationships.

What Real Love Looks Like

It isn’t uncommon for people to create an image of what true love looks like throughout their lives. It often involves imagining a soul mate who is the perfect partner that completes them. Unfortunately, these ideas can lead to partners being chosen for the wrong reasons and bonds of love being imagined where they may not actually exist, in addition to other problems. People looking for an imagined ideal may be overly critical of their partners because they can’t live up to the ideal. People looking for someone to complete them may be operating off of a conception that they are not a whole person when alone.

How to be Assertive While Keeping a Kind Heart

Many people struggle between the extremes of being too assertive and being a doormat for other people. They may find themselves wanting to assert themselves in situations such as having messages ignored by a friend, being given a task at work they fear might be too much for them to handle, or being asked a favor that seems extreme, but fearful of negative consequences of assertion. There is a middle road between being completely passive and overaggressive, however, that can be called “compassionate assertiveness” that may ease situations like the ones described. The first step to this approach requires calm.

Dealing with a Quick-Tempered Spouse

When spouses erupt in anger, not to be confused with a fight, fly off the handle, and express feelings of upset with anger, it frightens their partner. Whether their partner cowers or leaves, they don’t respond well to anger because it is challenging to deal with anger. Constantly being around a person who is prone to angry outbursts can create an environment of fear for their partner, which can ruin a marriage. This article provides a guideline on how to deal with a spouse who may be subject to such outbursts and create an environment where both parties can feel safe.

Drama Belongs in the Theatre

Greg Malouf believes that people identify with the drama that plays out in their lives, when the reality is that the drama is not real. Maleouf describes drama as bound up by illusion, based on perceptions, becoming personally defeating because of our lack of sophistication about our emotional lives. He writes that drama is not an illusion in that things aren’t actually happening to us, but a closer examination of all the things happening may show that a lot of them are not very important. Giving voice to everything creates a life of noise, creating the illusion of happenings, when we might actually have more time and fewer important events going on than we’d like to think.

Why Do I Become Overprotective and Possessive in Relationships?

In a “Dear Abby” format, a worried person who found herself sabotaging her relationship wrote to GoodTherapy.org seeking advice about how to control his/her overprotective and possessive impulses. The response gave two recommendations about how to deal with a situation like this. One can sit down with the partner and discuss the problem, which can build intimacy in a relationship by having one open up and share their feelings and giving the other the opportunity to express how much they care and offer compassion in response. Therapy can also be a good solution as it offers a healthy relationship and space for the patient to take a clear look at themselves and the relationship.

How to Make Peace with Your Dark Past

Almost everyone has something dark in their past and it is human nature to dwell on that darkness, trying to figure out how we allowed those things to happen. It can become a dark circle of trying to understand what happened and agonizing over the fact that it did. The way to move forward, however, is through acceptance. It is possible for people to accept their dark history and perhaps even become grateful for it, recognizing that while they are not proud of what happened, they could not be the person they are today without it. Once the past is embraced, they can turn their eyes to the present and future.

Men Benefit from Male-Focused Therapy for Childhood Abuse

Men and women who experienced abuse as children may suffer from that abuse well into adulthood, with symptoms manifesting in psychological issues such as aggression, anger, rage, anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Men and women differ in that men are more likely to contemplate suicide as a result and women are more likely to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD. Additionally, women are more likely to seek and complete therapy for their problems. There are a variety of reasons why men are less likely to seek treatment, but it is clear that specific approaches designed to address the unique needs of abused males are necessary.

The Art of Compromise

Many people consider the word “compromise” to describe a situation in which they lost more than they gained, but by definition, it should describe a deal in which at least something is gained. While a compromise might not always involve getting the most out of a deal, a few guidelines can keep the agreements reached positive. The most important thing to take into consideration when agreeing on a compromise is to not sacrifice on an ethical stance. If a compromise feels wrong, it can be because it crosses an ethical line or bends fundamental values.

5 People You Should Stop Resenting

The word “resentment” comes from a Latin word, “sentire,” which means, “to feel.” The prefix “re-“ means “again.” Resentment, then, can mean “to feel again,” which accurately describes the way people relive their feelings of anger and frustration when they resent somebody. Reliving these negative feelings can weigh a person down with negativity, however, and prevent them from enjoying emotions such as gratitude, happiness, or fulfillment. In order to let go of resentments, it is important to identify the targets of the resentment, which can stem from grievances either real or imagined. There are five common people most people resent, sometimes without even realizing it.

How to Make Your Close Relationship Closer

Many people think of intimacy when they think of “close” relationships, but there are important distinctions between being close to someone and being intimate. A close relationship is built on the characteristic of interdependence, whereas an intimate relationship includes closeness as well as a physical or sexual bond. In this way, people can be close to their coworkers or friends without being intimate with them. Psychologist Jayson Dibble from the University of Hawaii created a measure to assess the quality of close relationships along three dimensions: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral interdependence. The uniqueness of Dibble’s approach is in how it focuses on how a person feels about the relationship.

What’s Wrong with Infidelity? Marital Counseling in Seattle

The Wall Street Journal has reported that in the years from 1991 to 2006, the number of unfaithful wives under the age of 30 has increased by 20 percent, while the number of unfaithful husbands has increased 45 percent in the same timeframe. Other studies show that between 30 and 60 percent of married individuals in the United States will cheat at some point in their marriage. According to an article in Psychotherapy Networker, 35 to 55 percent of people who have had affairs report being happy in their marriage at the time of the affair. The article suggests that more couples are mutually agreeing to take alternative approaches to sexual fidelity.

How to Avoid Blowing Up at Your Spouse

Although most people would never “blow up” at just anyone, spouses can sometimes receive the brunt force of pent up frustration and anger. These outbursts can take a serious toll on a relationship and lead to marriage problems. There are several preemptive things a person can do to avoid the bad habit of venting anger on the people closest to them. Talking about problems as they arise helps to clear any feelings of anger or resentment so they don’t build up. Actively checking feelings periodically can identify a possible build up of resentment before it reaches a breaking point.

Can Happiness Reverse the Negative Effects of Loneliness?

In addition to experiencing the death of loved ones, older adults also witness the decline in their own physical health. These factors contribute to a special vulnerability toward loneliness in older adults which can lead to negative effects such as high blood pressure and cardiovascular problems, and have also been linked to depression and anxiety. Nancy E. G. Newall of the University of Manitoba’s Centre on Aging and the Department of Community Health tested a theory that positive feelings can counteract the effects of loneliness. The study followed 228 older adults and monitored their health, physical activity, and outlook over the course of one year.

Dr. Hart